Hope and Healing for your invisible hurts
Hope and Healing for your invisible hurts
Narcissists display arrogant behavior, lack of empathy for others, and a need for admiration. Physical, psychological, emotional, sexual, and spiritual abuse are common as they use others to feed their inflated ego. Narcissistic abuse is unusually difficult to recover from and requires no contact and long-term therapy.
The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include: grandiose sense of importance, preoccupation with unlimited success, belief that one is special and unique, exploitative of others, lack of empathy, arrogance, and jealousy of others. These symptoms cause significant distress in a person's life.
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a long-standing pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behavior), an overwhelming need for admiration, and usually a complete lack of empathy toward others. People with this disorder often believe they are of primary importance in everybody’s life — and to anyone they meet. While this pattern of behavior may be appropriate for a king in 16th century England, it is generally considered inappropriate for most ordinary people today.
People with narcissistic personality disorder often display snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitudes. For example, an individual with this disorder may complain about a clumsy waiter’s “rudeness” or “stupidity,” or conclude a medical evaluation with a condescending evaluation of the physician.
In layperson terms, someone with this disorder may be described simply as a “narcissist” or as someone with “narcissism.” Both of these terms generally refer to someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates from the norm of the individual’s culture. The pattern is seen in two or more of the following areas: cognition; affect; interpersonal functioning; or impulse control. The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations. It typically leads to significant distress or impairment in social, work or other areas of functioning. The pattern is stable and of long duration, and its onset can be traced back to early adulthood or adolescence.
In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:
Because personality disorders describe long-standing and enduring patterns of behavior, they are most often diagnosed in adulthood. It is fairly uncommon for them to be diagnosed in childhood or adolescence, because a child or teen is under constant development, personality changes, and maturation. However, if it is diagnosed in a child or teen, the features must have been present for at least 1 year.
Narcissistic personality disorder is more prevalent in males than females and is thought to occur in around 6 percent of the general population, according to research.
Like most personality disorders, NPD typically will decrease in intensity with age, with many people experiencing few of the most extreme symptoms by the time they are in their 40s or 50s.
How is Narcissistic Personality Disorder Diagnosed?
Personality disorders such as NPD are typically diagnosed by a trained mental health professional, such as a psychologist or psychiatrist. Family physicians and general practitioners are generally not trained or well-equipped to make this type of psychological diagnosis. So while you can initially consult a family physician about this problem, they should refer you to a mental health professional for diagnosis and treatment. There are no laboratory, blood, or genetic tests that are used to diagnose personality disorder.
Many people with this disorder don’t seek out treatment. People with personality disorders, in general, do not often seek out treatment until the disorder starts to significantly interfere or otherwise impact a person’s life. This most often happens when a person’s coping resources are stretched too thin to deal with stress or other life events.
A diagnosis for narcissistic personality disorder is made by a mental health professional comparing your symptoms and life history with those listed here. They will make a determination whether your symptoms meet the criteria necessary for a personality disorder diagnosis.
How many of us have believed this? And, with the best hearts! Unfortunately, it is well known by psychologists, psychiatrists, and therapists that Cluster B personality disorders are not easy to treat. As Christians, or as eternal optimists, or even as people who believes in people, we keep hoping and praying and trying everything we can to encourage this person to change their toxic behaviors. Unfortunately, our most sincere prayers will not change a narcissist.The problem isn't our prayers. It's that God gave all people a free will, and He won't push Himself on anyone. Not on us, nor on the men we love and adore.
Most narcissists, or those with Cluster B personality disorders, have a history of severe childhood trauma. Unfortuntaely, if not healed, they will become perpetrators themselves.
It is said that these victims, at whatever age they were injured, remain at that level of maturity for the rest of their lives.
If they seek help, that story can turn out differently. Behavior modification can do wonders with someone with a wiillingness to learn and grow.
Also, your partner is not so "immature" or "naive", because they seem to be able to alter their personality and behavior depending on who they are with and who is watching. So, they are truly without excuse for the dysfunction and hurt their bring to our homes.
I guarantee that your kids are not handling it ok. Not at all. At the very least, they are suffering from vicarious trauma, as witnesses of the abuse they see in your home.
You may not recognize the signs of anxiety and/or depression in young children, but they can include symptoms like bet wetting, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, nightmares, separation anxiety (from you), fear of strangers, dropping grades, behavioral issues at home or in school, apathy, bullying others,
attempts to protect you, codependency, trauma bonding (with the abuser), lack of peace, and the list goes on. Each time your children feel unsafe or insecure, or is walking on eggshells to now be part of the problem, pathways are being formed in their brains that can last a lifetime and lead to dysfunction in any
Just like it may seem your children are "handling the abuse" ok but are not, you also are suffering unseen damage to your physical health and your brain as you endure gaslighting, projection, criticism, threats, items being thrown/broken, yelling, doors slammed, name calling, accusations, disrespect, neglect, abandonment, withholding of finances or necessary items you and your children rely on for survival, stonewalling, pushing, doorways being blocked so you can't pass through, choking, being thrown, and anything else you can imagine that constitututes abuse. The cognitive dissonance created by kind words one moment and threats and abuse the next create a trauma bond that can be hard to break. You need to love and respect yourself enough to know you deserve more and to get out of harm's way. For your mental, emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being, you must draw boundaries...
This is a common misconception shared by many good-hearted, God-loving Christian women. God does not expect you to turn the other cheek so you can continue to be abused within your home. That is not the proper application of this biblical and oft-quoted principle.
You are utterly and completely valuable and deserve to live in a safe environment where there is no fear for your life or your well-being, or for that of your children. You have the right to be free and live life on your terms, as you feel inspired to do.
There is nothing wrong with forgiving the abuser. However, to allow the abuise to continue in the name of "honoring God" by being like Jesus is not what God wants for you. He sent His son to set you FREE, and you re FREE INDEED. Youi have a right to walk in that freedom every day. Pray for your abuser and extend mercy, if that's what is in your heart, but "flee from a violent man" as the scripture says. Enduring that violence "in the Name of Jesus" is not part of God's plan for you. He has "set you apart for Himself", not be be berated and abused by a mere man...
Counselors and coaches are know to say that when a client says, "maybe it's all my fault", that is a sure sign that it is not all their fault! A narcissistic, abuse person will never ask himself or anyone else, "is it my fault?" They are incapable of taking blame or responsibility for anything, but instead project their toxic behavior onto you as if you are the perpetrator. It is important to recognize this kind of gaslighting, projection, and crazymaking, as it can leave you confused, despondent, depressed, and disempowered. As soon as you are able to look in the mirror and KNOW that the abuse is not your fault in any way, you will begin to take your power back. There is nothing you can do or not do to "causse" someone to abuse you. That is their decision and their dysfunction. Victim blaming is common among narcisstits and abusers, Don't let those false accusations stick! You are more than lilkely a peacemaker who walks on eggshells and does evrerythint you can to smooth things over within your home. It is an exhausting job, and one you were never intended to do.
Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth. ~ Psychology Today
Projection is a defense mechanism commonly used by abusers, including people with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder and addicts. Basically, they're saying, “It’s not me, it’s you! ” Narcissists project “negatively” to escape accountability, expel self-doubt and self-hatred, justify their manipulation and exploitationm, blame others for their own disapointments and failings, and hold others responsible for their own abusive behavior." ~ Psychology Today/ Narcissistic Family Files
Crazymaking is when a person sets you up to lose, no matter what you do. You’re put in lose-lose situations, but too many games are being played for you to reason yourself out of it. There is no rhyme, reason, or emotional understanding with a crazymaker. ~ Psychology Today
A delusion of grandeur is the false belief in one’s own superiority, greatness, or intelligence. People experiencing delusions of grandeur do not just have high self-esteem; instead, they believe in their own greatness and importance even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Someone might, for example, believe they are destined to be the leader of the world, despite having no leadership experience and difficulties in interpersonal relationships. Delusions of grandeur are characterized by their persistence. They are not just moments of fantasy or hopes for the future. ~GoodTherapy
A narcissist’s criticism is different from a non-narcissist’s, despite what they might tell you. A narcissist’s criticism comes from a place of insecurity and fear and it has an edge ranging from mean spirited to downright cruel. The criticism is often wrapped in a compliment or is just nasty . They are almost always wrong in their criticism, and may later give a sincere but hollow apology for the criticism, or shower you with compliments. Once you see the pattern, it is entertaining to watch them go through the cycle. It seems the pettiness of their criticisms is proportional to how needy they are for a ‘fix’. ~Quora
The narcissists sees a very special trait, elite skill, or ability within you and they take it as their own, because they believe anything special should be theirs for the taking. Rather than work hard to get there, they take the instant route – theft. I am not referencing taking on the characteristics of people we admire or feel inspired by. That is a different situation entirely. To mimic or take on the traits of our family, bosses, friends, role models, or celebrities is completely normal.
What I am referencing has a root in a very dark place. It reflects personality malignancy and maliciousness and involves sinister behavior. They have a strong need to feed their belief that they are superior to others, hence viewing something special in others leads them to take that thing or trait. Dr. Rhonda Freeman, Neuroinstincts